3 Simple Ways to Reduce Anxiety and Increase Your Confidence

​​Does anxiety ever keep you from doing what you want to do or need to do? You are not alone. Many people are bullied by anxiety.

​Anxiety may be keeping you from speaking up at work, saying "hi" to a potential new friend, asking the boss for a raise, or getting in an elevator.

​There are many more examples that may apply to you. In short, anxiety can paralyze you, making you too afraid to go after your goals.

​You can break free from the tyranny of anxiety by changing two things--your thoughts and your actions.

This is simple but not easy.

​You may not be aware that some of your thoughts are "anxiety friendly," or how to change them. It may be scary to break ingrained habits and try new ways of doing things.

​There are powerful strategies from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) that can help you.

These strategies can help you change how you think about things you fear, and find the courage to change your habit of avoiding them.

Changing your thoughts and actions can be broken down into 3 simple steps. 

1. Observe and Record Your Anxious Thoughts 

​To change your thoughts, you first need to know which thoughts need changing.

One strategy is to notice, and write down, all the thoughts that come up when you are feeling anxious about something.

​For example:

• "People won't like what I have to say"
• "I will look foolish"
• "My mind will go blank"
• "I will get stuck in an elevator if it breaks down, and that would be a major catastrophe."

2. How to Change Your Thoughts to Reduce Anxiety

​You can ask yourself if your anxious thoughts are 100% true.

Most likely, there are shades of gray to the situation, and it is not all black or white.

​Try replacing each of these thoughts with a more realistic thought that is believable to you.

The new thoughts do not have to be 100% positive. They just need to be more realistic thoughts that you can believe in. 

These replacement thoughts can lower your anxiety, and act as a bridge toward more positive experiences and hopeful expectations.

​Some possible replacement thoughts are:

• "Some people won't like it but maybe some will; I can't expect to please all people all of the time"
• "Some will think I look foolish, some won't; besides, looking foolish does not make me a fool"
• "Sure, my mind could go blank; I could rehearse a Plan B, just in case"
• "People have gotten stuck in elevators and lived to tell of it; I hope it never happens to me, but if it does, I would get through it somehow."
• 
  

Write your own replacement thoughts down, and refer to them often. 

 3. How to Change Your Actions to Reduce Anxiety

​To overcome anxiety and build confidence, it is essential that you  do the very thing that you are afraid to do (assuming it is not something that is truly dangerous).

​Confidence comes from practice, over and over again. Only then will your anxiety level go down.

Waiting to feel confident does not help. You must act, even though you feel anxious.

​CBT refers to this strategy as exposure.

If you expose yourself to a feared event, in spite of starting off anxious, you can desensitize yourself to the event, so it no longer causes you anxiety.

You can expose yourself to the feared, avoided situation by either wading in gradually, or jumping right in.

Both ways work, for different people and in different situations.

The idea is to approach the situation that makes you anxious, and suffer through the anxiety until it wears itself out, to desensitize yourself to the situation.  

Examples of Exposure to Reduce Anxiety in 3 Situations

For each example, I will give 2 examples: one for exposure through wading in, and one for exposure through jumping in. 

1. Approaching a Potential New Friend

• ​Exposure through wading in: You could say "hi" to a potential new friend, and then excusing yourself after a very short conversation. You could say "hi" again another time, and talk a little more, gradually building toward getting to know the person better.
• Exposure through jumping in: You could approach  your potential new friend and attempt a long and meaningful conversation.  It could work for some people, depending on the situation. It could backfire by making you, and maybe the other person, feel overwhelmed, awkward, and anxious. 

2. Going to a Party

• ​Exposure through jumping in: You could go to a party and force yourself to talk to everyone. That could be overwhelming. It could trigger such anxiety that you, understandably, might be afraid to go out again. Then again, for another person in another situation, it could be fun and exciting, and the anxiety would wear itself out after a while.
• ​Exposure through wading in: You could go to the party, planning to leave after twenty minutes. During those twenty minutes, you could say "hi" to the host and two other people. Then you could excuse yourself in a friendly way, saying, "I am really busy, but I wanted to at least stop by." This way, you could gradually get used to similar situations.

3. Asking Your Boss for a Raise

• ​Exposure through jumping in: You could just go  up to your boss and ask for a raise. It  may not be very effective, as it would put your boss on the spot. It could certainly be anxiety provoking for you to even think about.
• ​Exposure through wading in: You could start a friendly conversation with your boss. That could lead to ongoing "mini" conversations with your boss, helping to build up a rapport between you. This could gradually lead up to inquiries about their expectations of you, how they think you are doing, and  how to merit a raise.  

Self Help Books I Recommend
You can learn more about CBT through self help books. I recommend these 3:

• The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns, M.D.
• Stopping the Noise in Your Head by Reid Wilson, Ph.D.
• Mind Over Mood by Christine Padesky, Ph.D and Dennis Greenberger, Ph.D.

How Therapy Can Help

A therapist can help you to implement these ideas in these ways:

•  support you in looking at your automatic thoughts and possible replacement thoughts
• support you in personalizing your plan for exposure to feared events
• point our your successes and strengths that you may not have noticed

In Conclusion
​I hope this article about CBT strategies for reducing anxiety is helpful to you.
This article is not intended to diagnose or treat a mental health condition.
It is intended as an introduction to CBT, and to present a few examples of how CBT strategies can help lower anxiety.

Take Your Next Step

Call me at (310) 658-3158 to discuss how we could work together. 

​

Peace,
Kate

​Kate Boswell MFT is a Los Angeles based therapist in Marina del Rey, CA. She helps anxious young men and women become more confident and brave in going after their goals. Nearby communities served are Playa del Rey, Playa Vista, Del Rey, Mar Vista, Venice, Culver City, and Westchester. Kate can be reached at (310) 658-3158.